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A Letter From Our Summer Intern

July 3, 2018
Guys

A message from Dylan, our intern.My Summer is Over. Scratch that, I, Dylan the intern, had no summer. While others were swigging Sprites and slipping on slides, I was busy concocting the finest swindling system any college student or alumnus has ever seen.

Man in American flag button up and tighty whities drawing on white board

Based on a complex algorithm of memes and impersonal experience, I'm proud to introduce the D.Y.L.A.N.S.ystem, an inaccurate guide to reaping 80% of the rewards with 20% of the work. (Not to be confused with the 80/20 rule)                

(D)eceive and Achieve

Boy in Utah utes blazer faking a skype interview

The first step to climbing the corporate ladder is unbuckling your belt and dropping trou, early and often. Skype interviews are no exception. How do you think I got this internship in the first place? 

Lose The Pants

(Y)ou Make The Rules

Man in Michigan suit jacket illegally parking in electric car spot

Only freshman and Ford Excursions should have trouble parking on campus. 

So, don't fight the system, go after the system's soft, pink underbelly - police academy dropouts and privatized faux parking laws.  

Claim Your Spot 

 

(L)aminate Everything

Guy in UC Berkeley jacket sneaking into VIP section

 

50 Yard Line Tickets - $750

On-The-Field VIP Access - $2,000

Kinkos Laminating Service - $6

A quick wave of the badge is all you need to go from sitting nose bleed to tossing the coin. It doesn't matter if your sorry attempt at a mustache looks like Frida Kahlo's unibrow, security is only there for field-side seating and free weiners.

I Wrote The Rule Book

 

(A)ccentuate Assets 

Man in CU Boulder suit jacket riding on moped with girl

 

The Dali Lama once said, "he who exploits the common ground between him and his enemy will own him for life."

Really, there isn't much negotiating involved when you introduce the common denominator. Wearing the same jacket as the dean establishes that you two are standing on the same pedestal. 

You Earned It

 

(S) Succeed 

Man in navy NCAA blazer getting covered in money

 

Sure, some of you are going to call me out for not following my own system, since this was supposed to be "Sign The Autograph," but that's the Dylan system for ya. Sometimes you call an audible, cash out your entire life savings, all $150.37, and bathe in it like the waters of Lake Minnetonka. And with that, I bid you and my summer internship at Shinesty a farewell. 

Deal With It

                                                                                            

New NCAA Blazers:

(a product that pertains to 7 out of 2364 colleges in the U.S.)

Carousel of men wearing college sports jackets. Schools included are CU boulder jacket/suit jacket/blazer,CU boulder lined jacket/suit jacket/blazer CSU jacket/suit jacket/blazer CSU lined jacket/suit jacket/blazer Purdue jacket/suit jacket/blazer Purdue lined jacket/suit jacket/blazer Michigan jacket/suit jacket/blazer University of michigan jacket/suit jacket/blazer Michigan state jacket/suit jacket/blazer Cal jacket/suit jacket/blazer UC berkeley jacket/suit jacket/blazer Utah utes jacket/suit jacket/blazer

*If you don't see your team, send bryan@shinesty.com (pronounced 'Brian') an email with 5 reasons why we should carry your school.

Treat Yo'Self 

                                                                                          

Stay Weird & Stay in School

Dylan Sorenson

Dylan spends his afternoons counting the leaves that flow down his local creek. While not spiritual for Dylan, it allows him to align all 3 of his nipples with his charging crystals, complimenting his silky smooth skin with smoother energy. As his crystals charge, you can find Dylan harnessing energy from the depths of Mustafar, where he was raised by wolves as a child. Dylan is a complex organism, having only 1 phytoplankton and few mitochondria, yet manages to function as a human adult. In fact, Dylan enjoys having eye sex with Mark Wahlberg on his free time. If Dylan had to describe himself in one word it would be “Animalistic In My Approach.”

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