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How To Play Edward 40 Hands and Not Pee On A Dorm Room Couch

October 11, 2018
Drankin'

Edward 40 hands is a simple game, complex only in it’s desire to promote bad decisions and soiled pants.

Based on the classic Johnny Depp movie, Pirates Of The Caribbean, this game does not involve pirates, but instead a couple Cobra 40s (or malt liquor 40 of your choice) and the will to survive. You probably won’t finish, and you definitely will have to pee. The rest is up to you.  

Materials

  • 2 40 ounce beers (No light beer, get that bud light out of here).
  • Duct tape.
  • Catheter (optional).

Rules

  • Duct tape a 40 to each hand,
  • Crack the seals and get to drinking.
  • You can’t pee until you finish both 40’s, a rule derived 50% from the challenge of drinking 2 40’s without pissing your pants and 50% due to the difficult nature of peeing with 2 40’s taped to your hands.
  • Long story short, 2 40’s are taped to your hands and you’re probably not going to finish them both without sending beer right back up your esophagus or soiling your Levis.  

Difficulty to explain drunk

  • Simple, but it probably won’t happen. By the time you are drunk you are going to have a lot more explaining to do.

Drunkness

  • Very, very drunk. It’s a dumb game to be honest, mainly an excuse for freshman to get shit canned on a Thursday night.  

Pitfalls

  • Not being able to pee. You’ll crush one with ease then realize your slipping quickly into a drunk, pissed state of mind where you actually can’t piss at all and are therefore very pissed about it.  

Pro Tips

  • Don’t play this game if you live in the dorms. RA’s don’t like kids who walk around with 40’s taped to their hands. But in most cases dorms are the only place this game is played. Ironic, but inevitable.

Alternatives

Sidewalk Slammer Hands: The easiest way to take this already shit show of a game to the next level. Drink the 40s down to the label and fill back up with a 4 Loko. You now have 2 bottles of alcohol poisoning, good luck.

Dylan Sorenson

Dylan spends his afternoons counting the leaves that flow down his local creek. While not spiritual for Dylan, it allows him to align all 3 of his nipples with his charging crystals, complimenting his silky smooth skin with smoother energy. As his crystals charge, you can find Dylan harnessing energy from the depths of Mustafar, where he was raised by wolves as a child. Dylan is a complex organism, having only 1 phytoplankton and few mitochondria, yet manages to function as a human adult. In fact, Dylan enjoys having eye sex with Mark Wahlberg on his free time. If Dylan had to describe himself in one word it would be “Animalistic In My Approach.”

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