Not that the World Series is upon us, it’s time to start thinking about how you’re going to pretend to like Baseball again. There are two types of people in this world: those who love baseball, and those who will use baseball games as an excuse to drink excessively. If you belong to the latter crowd, this guide is for you.
5 Ways to Pretend You’re Interested in Baseball
1. Purchase a Jersey
If you don’t spend at least $90 on a pro jersey, you aren’t considered a true fan. While this is probably the most expensive option, it’s also the easiest. Toss on your jersey, put a fake smile on your face, and clap when other fans clap.
2. Put it on Your Instagram
While this option doesn’t force you to spend $90 on a jersey, you will have to purchase a $15 hot dog. When garnishing your dog, make sure the onion/mustard/ketchup/relish ratio is impeccable.
Once at your seat, take a photo of you holding your hot dog in front of the camera (see best practices above). Make sure to use Portrait Mode for this shot. The ideal caption for this post: “My team is better than yours <3” If you don’t add a heart at the end, you sound like an a-hole.
Warning: There’s a chance no one will think you’re a serious fan with this method.
3. Bring Out Your Statistical Knowledge
Before the game, pull a couple of worthy stats from the internet. The goal here is to make your team seem superior to their opponent. Make sure to have one really good stat from your team, and one really bad stat from the other team.
During the game, find an opponent to talk trash to. Keep repeating the same stat to said person. See below example:
“Dude, _____ had a batting average of .421. ______'s average was .211. That’s LUDACRIS. The two don’t even compare, man.”
4. Mock the Super-fans
At every baseball game you go to, there will be a super-fan a couple rows down from you. You can easily spot them because they scream their heads off the entire time and those surrounding him/her will question their hygienic practices. Keep an eye on this person. If they are booing, maybe mutter “Ah bullspit!” If they are cheering, say “heck yeah, that’s my boy.”
Word to the wise: sometime these people don’t know jack about the sport and just scream the whole time. If you’re getting that vibe, just mock those around you.
5. Pound the Devil’s Juice
If you drink enough of the devil’s juice you’ll be passionate about anything. You know when you’re intoxicated and get into any discussion regarding religion/politics/humanity/Mother Earth? This is a similar situation. With enough social lubricant you will suddenly care for the game of baseball, or at least do a really good job of pretending to care.
Keep in mind this method can take things one of three ways: 1) You get way too emotionally involved 2) You turn into an aggressive twerp 3) You fall asleep
No matter the method you try, always put in your best effort. Apparently Baseball is America’s Pastime, so pretending like you’re interested in the sport won’t make you look like a jerk. If all else fails, take a nap. It’s boring anyway.
Shine On & Always Finish Your Dog
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